Life sure has some interesting twists and turns.
I read a quote a few weeks ago that said,
Some situations break your heart, but fix your vision.
Ive felt that deeply recently.
Loosing someone close to you, suddenly, is heart breaking. Life changing in massive ways. Snowballing in many directions, yet the main focus always being primary. The strength I witnessed come forward, the depths of emotions being felt, the laughter of memories and photographs, the tear soaked faces – my god there were many.
The outpouring of love, the support, respect, condolences, was truly touching and honestly overwhelming at times. Shifting to this new life, unexpected and unknown. No longer “we should…” or “lets plan this…”. No more photos, no more voice. I treasure the last two voicemails, recent in October and for my birthday in August. The incredible bear hugs received in person in October and September.
When you truly experience that shift in life, while navigating through the heart break and being faced with who people truly are. There were those who surrounded us, as a family and individuals, quickly. We were held, although we felt like we were floundering. There were others who couldn’t face it themselves, honestly no need for excuses, when a family is mourning, your excuses truly mean nothing. People make interesting comments and phone calls when they don’t want to face the truth of death – we certainly did not want to. Many like to make it about them, its not. Never was. Especially those feeling feelings spurred by guilt. Alignment, through pain. Growth in a very unexpected way. Ugly crying for days and not caring who see’s you, pushing through a level of – honestly who fucking cares.
If this loss has taught me anything, its to truly be me. When a distant family member told me they forgot about me and my sister – the bookends of our family, but really only cared to see my parents and Grama… or the comment from someone not having the balls to see a someone standing beside a casket, or the friends who are “always there” and yet only through a message, or the one who called a financial advisor to “ask if its true” and then showed emotion as if they cared (they never did)… it was a new level of hurt and pride. Pride for the fact that, that comment(s), relative and others, really doesn’t matter in the big picture.
What matters is those who pulled in, pulled together and held tight. What matters is supporting where it needs to be supported, understanding and kindness. What matters is true kindness and compassion.
Four weeks ago, my brother passed away. The last day I spoke with him, the last day his soul was on this earth with us in his body. The last day I posted. How does one move on when a piece of you, that you have had for almost your entire life, is gone?
As I began writing this a few weeks ago, I clearly heard, ‘I am not just here or there, I am everywhere’ a true reflection of the infinite love and connection, lord do I wish he was still with us in person…
When my website name came to me, Your Life As Art, I had no idea how prevalent this ‘tag line’ would become in my life… having suddenly lost a few close to me, others sadly sick and knowing their time was coming, regardless, the photos, the memories, are fucking priceless.
Our daughters first hockey game back… since her last game that day, the same moment we talked actually, within the first 3 minutes she scored…
Forever 444
Discover more from Your Life As Art Photography by Pam
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