The Unknown Path | 5 Year Anniversary

Anytime we can get out in to nature, we do. Its a reset, and reminder that even though today is a reminder of when our world came crashing down, literally. It was about this time I got a call, my husband had fallen off a roof. Our lives have been very different since then. This blog post, I will forewarn, could be a trigger for some, however its a refection of this date which shifted our lives ❤

Ive been looking for a book for almost a week, looked everywhere, knew I had it when we were away, however I emptied my suitcase, I checked everywhere it could be and even places it wouldn’t be. I mentioned this to my husband last night and within minutes, the book was found. This was a reminder to me, how we can be going through life and there will be times we wont be fully present and conscious. I looked for this book for days, couldn’t find it. I knew I felt off, I was. A numbers person, dates are a permanent reminder of both the good and bad things in life. I knew this date was coming up, obviously, it hadn’t truly sunk in until yesterday when my husband named the date. Then it suddenly made sense, how tense I was feeling suddenly and I was having a hard time naming it. As soon as he mentioned it, my body took a deep breath. It truly is so much easier on us to name it, just name what you are feeling, in whatever way feels most comfortable to you. However what I will say, the more people share their story, the more they reach out to others and also embrace others stories with compassion, the better for everyone, especially your own healing. Healing that is unique and different for everyone!

Having a husband in pain all the time, doing what I can to help him, the past 5 years has been interesting, is probably the best way to put it. I have not and I do not know if I will ever fully forgive our government and medical system. I probably wont as today is a stark reminder of sitting for over 4 hours bawling to see my husband and finally many hours later being “given” 15 minutes before I wouldn’t see him for almost a week… As I type this, the word Trauma is circling in my mind. Trauma for us both! Also forgiveness, I should perhaps make my way toward, yet how can anyone forgive when people were purposely kept apart and the emotional outcome of that is torturous.

At a time when I was already in a mind space that wasn’t healthy, our kids were being yanked in and out of school and being an essential business we both had to be working. Throw this into the mess of things and it completely felt like a disaster. Compounded with the disrespect from almost a lot of the nurses and and some doctors – Im not sure if I will ever be able to forget this.

Today is a stark reminder, sadly our medical system is only slightly better – they have stopped harassing you if you want someone with you! You MUST advocate for yourself and your loved ones, if you don’t, you are merely a number and your family doctor is always getting paid to just be your doctor, without even seeing you. Which is sad. For me, being in a small town, I used to be the one who would pump up anything and everything about a small town, these days, my heart has never been more scorned going to the hospital after my husbands accident and asking questions and being ignored by the nurses – until I asked when they would be coming to look after him… “you will have to pick him up and look after him” with a side eyed look, oh good thank you you can show respect to his wife after an accident and answer her questions. Or being told it wasn’t safe to be with him – B*tch we live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, step back with your non-sense fuking “rules”! Only for all CV rules to be retracted because… oh nothing made sense! A time in our life when we experienced medical abuse from the system. When he fell and they “gave” me 15 minutes to then not see him for 6 days. On the 6th day when I brought him home – for that they “allowed” me to enter the f’ing hospital – because people were busy to bring him down. Or when the local doctor couldn’t read the x-ray and he walked on a broken leg/broken medical grade metal for over a week and ended up in surgery again, that complaint was “justified” because the doctor was busy… we all make mistakes. Still doesn’t sit well with me. Or when I had to be trained for wound care because home care couldn’t do this. Or when after his 2nd surgery and waiting to figure out if a 3rd would be needed – it was – we couldn’t go in to see him after days in the hospital, but he could come outside to see us… ahhhh the logic, seriously. Such a mind fuk!

Someone without medical background. I was banned from entering the hospital all 3 times my husband had surgery, but yes ma’am we will “train” you to do his wound care for ALL surgeries (3)… AND train to do the IV treatments for the infection… cool – cause that all makes sense – much like the “rules”. But here’s the thing… I DIDN’T HAVE A CHOICE. I had to be ALL THE THINGS FOR EVERYONE. I had to step up and do the wound care because if I didn’t no one else was coming. Which I think at the time, was the heaviest, no one else is coming. The person I rely on, is now relying on me for almost everything. A reality I am truly grateful was not worse, because oh my goodness, I simmered in that for a while, I sank.

It was years of living in fight or flight that began in March 2020 with my kids being yanked in and out of school and the fear p*rn being spread by … same who made the rules and locked me out of the hospital. Years of more fear being intensified by that phone call, with more bad news. It was during this time I couldn’t even deal with hearing my phone ring, it went on silent. My watch was the only thing that made a sound, however I was attached to both. If I didn’t have my phone, I wouldn’t know when something happened.

Its really opened my eyes to how I was feeling, the many previous triggers in life – we all have them – and how so much can compound to then make you feel that much worse. The phone ringing, 9 years ago when our co-worker was killed, I got the call from the police… someone I had known my whole life, I will never forget that evening as news like that shifts you. Last year loosing my brother, and everything up and down in between. It shifts us, it compounds and well I feel that heaviness in my body.

Having a husband in pain all day everyday, regardless of what he is doing, can really shift your life and marriage. My patience level has truly been tested, much like how young kids can, its even more challenging when you have a normally able bodied man, unable to do things. It has taken us through the ringer. Above all though, something like this could have broken us, it should have, especially given that we spent a ton of time together in the 2 yrs after his accident. Which then consecutively rolled into our sons medical issues and not the wife, but mama doing his wound care… Its been a time!

These 5 years have been hard, very hard at times, on my knees hard, not just because of the accident, but it feels compounded at times. Above all, its strengthened us, to our core – my husband and I, but also us as a family. A time that could have broken us, I am so proud of us. Proud that we are closer than we ever were, instead of allowing an outside force take us down, we stand side by side, proud. Like true best friends. Especially this past year, its not been easy, at times Ive felt much lower, and he has been the best support and person there for me.

Alas… our get away is in our side by side – this is how we get to experience nature and I am GRATEFUL for that as without it, our life wouldn’t be as full as it is now, it would be much different. Drastically!

So today, I acknowledge the sh*t we’ve been through, individually and together. I pray continually for healing and peace within. Also honoring our bodies, this has deeply taught us (all) the importance of listening to your body, which my husband did and does if he experiences more pain. I am very grateful for that. Nature is a beautiful reset, the sounds of nature, just being there can shift my soul. Taking photos, when I see them, I remember the exact moment, whether its of people, a location or somewhere in nature.

The trails you see in the spring, look nothing like in the fall – so lush and gorgeous it doesn’t even look like the trails go through many crossings! As someone who only knows the trail in the winter and with markings, I was honestly impressed at how my husband could see a patch of gorgeous tall colourful weeds and know it goes right through there into the forest. Deep gratitude to the land owners who provide their land to run the snowmobile trails through. As a rider, I love the feeling of being in nature, in the middle of a forest.

‘The popular quote is “Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail,” attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson.’

‘A similar sentiment is also expressed by Muriel Strode, who wrote, “I will not follow where the path may lead, but I will go where there is no path, and I will leave a trail”. ‘

On this 5 year anniversary, we continue to strive for gratitude in whatever situation, reaching for each other in appreciation and knowing, we did it. We have survived some of the hardest years of our life. When I told my husband last night, we could have easily failed, some may have said we should, solidifies our life together even more. In this life time and many, many more!