When Reality of Real Life Hits

A loved one had some heart breaking news, that is shifting their journey through life. She told me today she is ready to let it be known, public beyond our close circle. Im not sure why it caught me, as in 2 days it would be public then.

I was out in our garden and it hit me, I wasn’t ready for it to be public yet. My emotions engulfed me and reality began to set in.

The wave was almost similar to the grief anxiety that comes after loosing someone suddenly. When you just don’t want to run into one more person, I honestly wanted to avoid everyone. The benefits and also challenges of living in a small town, running into people you know, its great, can feel supportive, but can also, in the beginning feel torturous.

However, this is not my story, I do not make the rules. Reality is, now is the time I need to align with me, my heart, my soul. To also find strength.

If you believe in spirits, as a Reiki Master, who needs to also get my hands going more – isn’t it incredible how when you are IN something, you can completely overlook the tools you have, that you know help you. I may need to get some sticky notes to leave reminders for myself. Grief also causes so much brain fog! My brother died suddenly Nov 2024, its been one of the hardest things Ive ever had to face, especially as the oldest sibling. I talk to him all the time. I talked to him, one day in meditation and asked about my loved one. It was profound, I heard his voice clear as day say, ‘Its not good Pam, but you can handle it’. I remember in that moment, closing my journal and getting up… ah again the denial, Ive been stuck there slightly.

So, reality hit real life tonight, caught me off guard but did get a lot of weeds out of our front garden! Something I am also teaching myself to enjoy as a meditative practice.

As I was gardening the emotions hit, quick and heavy, I just let the tears fall. I consciously pulled the weeds with the help of a trowel, I think its called, a small gardening shovel. I am continually reminded of what happened to my husband in May 2021 and how my rage gardening helped throw my back out and had me flat for 24 hours! After 24 hours I was rallying for our kids so we could drive to the city to see their dad, after a significant surgery.

I am being reminded how much our body holds onto things. The tension in my back, neck, shoulder, hips can all provide a release, when I am conscious to this. The irony ;)

I am still waiting until Friday or the weekend to allow this to hit my external reality online, I am grateful to have found this online journey at this time 🙏