Sitting on the deck early this morning, a bright beautiful red Cardinal joined us.
There is never an easy way to say this, so Im just going to say it…
On the May long weekend, we received some heavy news. The journey we had been on with our daughter for over a year, came with abrupt, very unexpected news. She was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer.
Hearing the word, feels heavy, it is heavy, this diagnosis we were not expecting. She was initially being tested for POTS due to the symptoms she was having. It hit us all very hard. Wanting to know all the unknowns and there is still so much we do not know yet. She is so young, which I see as both good thing but also, she is SO young! Then the reality for me, anger and pissed off at the Dr who denied she needed further testing, and when will this luck shift, selfishly pissed off to be facing something with another child, after my husbands accident and multiple surgeries, our sons multiple surgeries and on going care. My nervous system is maxed out.
Our family is one who supports holistically and has been for well over 10 years, we have only needed the hospital in broken bone and surgical reasons – so this journey resulting in this diagnosis, my goodness, with what our family has walked through, its been a lesson!
I will do anything for my kids and husband, and I am praying so hard for healing and peace. We are supporting our girl in any and all ways that we can. We knew something was behind her not feeling well for so long, but honestly had no idea – no idea it could result in this diagnosis, until she needed a biopsy, that this could get worse.
Steps ahead are meeting with a specialist and then figuring things out. For now, I am grateful each day that I listened to her, heard her and kept pushing. Grateful she kept track of how she was feeling and when. Grateful she has a wonderful core group of friends who have been supporting her. Even after she felt defeated when her own doctor wouldn’t do any further blood work. Hearing your child say to you, ‘so they don’t care that I don’t feel good’, is heart breaking. Receiving the blood work results from our Naturopath (that we had to pay for because her family Dr denied the need for further blood work) I instantly felt panic, as wonderful as our Naturopath is, they can only do so much in Ontario – due to the medical system and you have to pay out of pocket. What do we do? How do we get further tests? I couldn’t think straight – I haven’t for a while, she recommended requesting to have her see who I was seeing, a nurse practitioner. There was push back, but I pushed harder. When your family doctor opens another clinic, in another town and is only being a family doctor for a fraction of the time and not listening to their patient, no she does not deserve to keep my daughter as a patient she can gaslight.
Our entire family, immediate and extended lives were rocked a year and a half – wait, hang on… … I just realized, the day before we found out this news, was exactly a year and a half since my brother, passed. At some point, while we were on this journey with her, I think it was in between getting the 1st concerning ultrasound in town and being referred to KW for a 2nd one with a probable biopsy – I learned the more research I did… I had that mothers instinct, something was wrong. I was in meditation one day and clearly heard my brothers voice speak to me, about the impending diagnosis, ‘Pam, its not good, but you can handle it’. I will never forget that moment, of instant tears and saying ‘I don’t want to handle anymore’.
I read something the other day about accepting what Ive learned – as that was the lesson. Which hit me hard… we did have a very clear and strong lesson in this journey – intuition over degree – ALWAYS. Had I ignored my gut feeling, my daughter would still be feeling miserable and the Cancer could spread being left untreated.
What was the lesson – after years, so many years of being so frustrated, angry, sad with the medical system, sadly in Canada its an absolute dumpster fire, its been made abundantly clear – you must be your biggest advocate – no matter what – and you must make decisions that may cost you time, money and people in your life – but it could save! Find the courage to speak up, find the courage to put your foot down, find the courage to push past. I kept receiving a no when I called her doctor, actually the first response was we have no specialist records for her. Then no to more blood work, than they had previously done – once, and then no again when I called with a recommended list from the Naturopath.
This is not ok in the medical system. Someone clearly not feeling well, missing day’s of school and its ok to make a decision, in the doctor’s opinion that this is not necessary? Im not sorry when I say this, but she is the only person in her body experiencing this, not that Dr using her ‘opinion’ or me. Yet, the difference, I chose to listen to my daughter. I chose – thank god – to empower her. To then push her to do the follow up blood tests through the Naturopath after the doctor denied her, if they don’t care why bother? Why, because we know better.
While waiting for tests, the nodule began pushing on her throat more – very concerning – her NP tried an antibiotic to help with the inflammation – which for a couple days did help a bit with pressure. When we picked up the prescription, we were reminded… other than needing a cream in January… interesting for patch of hair loss, she hadn’t had one since I think 2011 or early 2012! We do not abuse this medical system and yet… its ok for Dr’s to just make opinions for you or your child’s life – nope! Not ok.
I know its going to take time for my emotions to calm – in all the ways, for me to even begin to accept this is true, as she was ready earlier this week to allow it to be known, I was not. But this is her story. This is our new reality and we will always walk with her side by side. As a parent, I will not sit down and allow anyone else and their child to be disrespected in such a way. Ive been quiet for too long. We have sadly had horrible luck with “general family doctors”, I didn’t realize opinions trumped medical tests, and spoiler – they don’t! I am truly grateful for Nurse Practitioners and Naturopath’s! Their level of knowledge, compassion and caring far surpasses! So far… at least with my husband and son, their specialists have also been respectful, knowledgeable and compassionate, I do pray for that for our girl, however with nothing to be repeated like the men!
Most of all right now, leaning on self care – for her and me! This week has felt so heavy, knowing that by the end of the week it would be known at her school, a choice I am so incredibly proud of her for. She was ready, I wasn’t, it just began to make everything already feel so much more real. So this week I leaned in for me, I had a long bath pretty much every night and honestly didn’t do much else – and that’s okay!
Last evening, with her teacher’s and parent’s support, she walked as a part of the Cancer Relay for Life Survivor/Warrior Lap. The survivors/warriors did their own lap and then everyone joined in, as we met up with her, walking towards the corner we looked up to see her boyfriends parents and 2 of his brothers standing there to do a lap with all of us! (Her BF was out of town working). Incredibly emotional and appreciated! Its definitely taken some time for this to settle in. Feeling all the waves of emotions and then some. Letting the tears fall when they need to and trusting this journey for our girl. She has a very strong tight knit village walking right alongside her!
Having Cancer in our family, Maddy had already planned to be a part of the Relay for Life walking for…
The kids never got to meet their nan, my husbands mom sadly passed away 2 months before we were married. The kids grandad has battled Cancer a few times and is still here with us.
I am so proud of our girl, also admittedly scared. We have already been told some success stories so we are trusting in this journey to be a small bump in her long life!
My creativity has been stifled, its amazing how life can shift you like that, when big things happen.
Ive been wanting to get some macro lilacs shots, its been hard to feel motivated.
Today, it feels, slightly heavier, but also in a hopeful way – I hope. The heaviness of the unknown…
There is a beautiful lilac bush at our local high school.
Spiritually, I looked up Lilacs online.
“Spiritually, lilacs symbolize renewal, transformation, and spiritual awakening. Because they are some of the first plants to bloom in spring, they represent a transition from the darkness of winter into the light, serving as a reminder of new beginnings, hope, and higher consciousness. The spiritual meaning of the flower is often broken down by its specific color and folklore:Core Spiritual Meanings Rebirth & Transformation: The rapid return of lilac blossoms after the cold winter symbolizes spiritual rebirth and overcoming a difficult period. Crown Chakra Connection: Purple lilacs are heavily tied to the Crown Chakra (representing higher consciousness, intuition, and connection to the divine). Purity & Peace: White lilacs symbolize a pure heart, innocence, and deep tranquility.”
Tomorrow it becomes known of what my daughter is facing. I am an honest mixture of sadness, sorrow, anger, frustration and optimism.
The Ontario medical system, when trying to figure out basic stuff… just fucking sucks! Seriously. And from our experience over the past 5 years, its only getting worse. People’s lives are at stake and basic shit is being completely over looked.
They are having an event at their school, and she, because of her diagnosis, will now be more of a part of this event. She called me on Monday to tell me. I didn’t hear sadness or worry, instead I felt confidence. She is finally at a place where she has truly good friends. After a couple bumps in the road, I am so grateful in that sense she now has wonderful core friends and her boyfriend, who has always been her rock! I cried as soon as she told me, of course as most moms do, trying to not make it obvious I was crying. I know her diagnosis, but suddenly when I realized it was going to be then very known, I instantly began crying, I felt almost constricted, overwhelm… this is now going to make it more real.
Our core people know, our close family and close friends. Its hard for me to process. It will still be hard for me even after tomorrow. At some point on this journey awaiting results, at the beginning stages, I was in meditation and connected with my brother’s spirit. I very clearly heard his voice say to me, ‘Pam its not good, but you can handle it’. I already had that gut feeling. A mom knows. She feels it to her core. Ive always been close with the kids, they grew up using essential oils and having oil massages regularly, so Ive ingrained into them the importance of listening to your body. Obviously kids are kids. However she knew something was wrong, she kept track of her symptoms and what was happening and when. She also gave the Doctor permission for her mother, also being a minor anyway.
I am in this level of anger, that I know I need to release FOR my daughter and also myself. Ive bit my tongue through years of dealing with this messed up medical system, Ive taken many deep breaths. It is just horrible.
What can one person change?!
I definitely cannot change hospital policy or force a doctor to lead with ethics and respect.
I can lead myself and my family, continuing on the path we were already on. When things kinda bumped us off the rails. Especially me… mom and wife. My nervous system is broken, and that is ok. Its the night before and much like last night, I feel the heaviness setting in. Sitting on my deck, the weather is so beautiful! Im sad. Our life is changing again. And by “our” that is us and our kids, if our kid’s life changes, ours does too. They were through their dad’s accident with multiple surgeries and lengthy healing. As well as our son’s severe autoimmune illness that also resulted in multiple surgeries and on going care.
To the wife and mom, me. I had no choice but to the the rock of the household. And Im so fucking tired. But more than anything, I will always rise for my kids and husband, without a doubt. One thing I need to remind myself is to stay creative, keep writing, grab my camera and get shooting, use the oils, get outside, have the bath, start the diffuser, cry… Just fucking cry, embrace like minded people. My inner circle is small, Ive always been more introverted. This just keeps pushing me to levels, that apparently Ive already owned, because Ive now surpassed. No time to worry about what anyone else (outside my life) are doing or need. Boundaries and focus. As a recovering people pleaser I am learning the importance of putting me first. Everyday, which can feel hard when facing hard things, that you have so many emotions of.
Tomorrow… This becomes even more real.
Tonight, the to-do list is set aside and I am sitting in a comfy dress on my deck. I plan to grab my books, journal and some oracle cards to help calm, as well as ensure I take my magnesium before bed. Its ok to be scared, its also ok to trust 🙏
A loved one had some heart breaking news, that is shifting their journey through life. She told me today she is ready to let it be known, public beyond our close circle. Im not sure why it caught me, as in 2 days it would be public then.
I was out in our garden and it hit me, I wasn’t ready for it to be public yet. My emotions engulfed me and reality began to set in.
The wave was almost similar to the grief anxiety that comes after loosing someone suddenly. When you just don’t want to run into one more person, I honestly wanted to avoid everyone. The benefits and also challenges of living in a small town, running into people you know, its great, can feel supportive, but can also, in the beginning feel torturous.
However, this is not my story, I do not make the rules. Reality is, now is the time I need to align with me, my heart, my soul. To also find strength.
If you believe in spirits, as a Reiki Master, who needs to also get my hands going more – isn’t it incredible how when you are IN something, you can completely overlook the tools you have, that you know help you. I may need to get some sticky notes to leave reminders for myself. Grief also causes so much brain fog! My brother died suddenly Nov 2024, its been one of the hardest things Ive ever had to face, especially as the oldest sibling. I talk to him all the time. I talked to him, one day in meditation and asked about my loved one. It was profound, I heard his voice clear as day say, ‘Its not good Pam, but you can handle it’. I remember in that moment, closing my journal and getting up… ah again the denial, Ive been stuck there slightly.
So, reality hit real life tonight, caught me off guard but did get a lot of weeds out of our front garden! Something I am also teaching myself to enjoy as a meditative practice.
As I was gardening the emotions hit, quick and heavy, I just let the tears fall. I consciously pulled the weeds with the help of a trowel, I think its called, a small gardening shovel. I am continually reminded of what happened to my husband in May 2021 and how my rage gardening helped throw my back out and had me flat for 24 hours! After 24 hours I was rallying for our kids so we could drive to the city to see their dad, after a significant surgery.
I am being reminded how much our body holds onto things. The tension in my back, neck, shoulder, hips can all provide a release, when I am conscious to this. The irony ;)
I am still waiting until Friday or the weekend to allow this to hit my external reality online, I am grateful to have found this online journey at this time 🙏
This was tucked in with some tall lilac’s, I had no idea its name until I looked it up this evening. I also saw some the other day when out. Love the bursts of pink colour!
Tina introduces this weeks topic and its a play on 3. “This week our challenge is a bit of a twist on a well-known concept in photography. We often discuss the “rule of thirds” which divides an image visually into 9 equal segments – using two vertical and two horizontal lines. The rule of threes on the other hand depicts images which contain three subjects. This is a lesser-known photographic concept but perhaps one worthy of further exploration.“
I appreciate the awareness these challenges bring. I regularly think of the rule of thirds when editing or composing a shot, this brings an interesting twist. After reading the topic, I did begin noticing a groups of 3. One, that I forgot to take a photo of, were 3 candle stick holders and candles at my sisters place. I myself tend to group in odd numbers, 1 is not enough, 3 provides a nice grouping.
Three water lilies grouped together among the lily pad’s. Taken with my 180mm macro lens and cropped in closer.
Pulled back, including some surrounding water lilies and the grouping, to me really does stand out.
While driving our vehicle hit an angel number. A sequence of 3 numbers repeating. Its a cool spiritual sign for me, and something special between my husband and I.
More blossoms, which I love in a couple groups, I did not see this when I was taking the photos, grateful for this angle! 3 grouped together to the left of the branch and also to the lower right. I missed our own apple tree during its blossom and bloom stage so I was happy to find these today!
I am going to keep this theme in mind this week! Thank you Tina for the inspiration. If you want to participate in the Lens-Artists Photo Challenge be sure to use the tag so we can find you!
The past couple weeks have been emotionally packed and I am grateful for a weekend at home this weekend to ground in and settle.
My blog posts for a wee bit may come across as cryptic, however its just not time yet to voice it here for what it is, and thats okay. For much of my life I have very much been a people pleaser and ‘this’ situation is helping heal this within me.
A reminder to always follow your gut, to always listen to your intuition. To trust you first and gain the confidence to push forth if what you are told is not sitting well with you.
This can feel like a long road, thankless at times as well. Especially when you have to find strength, again. Feeling down because you used that word, again, and it feels like a hamster wheel that just keeps on going.
Those closest to us know, does it make it easier, yes in a way but still no.
Last weekend we were in the Turkey Point Provincial Park from Saturday afternoon until Monday afternoon. We loved it, although our minds were both expanded and also constricted at the same time, its what we needed in a very big way. Until Tuesday brought us back to reality and my nervous system was struggling.
The beach at Turkey Point is vast, we were there on a weekend that wasn’t the nicest, Im sure this weekend, when we were actually meant to go, would be much nicer. Plans had to be changed, with deep compassion.
This section of beach was at a dead end, I love how peaceful the image feels with the fog.
This weekend reminded me, we never know what tomorrow will bring, however when we trust and lean into our intuition, thats when the magic can happen. You do not need to pay big bucks for this, nor do you need a degree. Degree’s can be bought but intuition and common sense, cannot be. That is truly priceless!
When I read this, what jumped into my head was something my daughter said to me many years ago, probably at least 10. Someone had mailed her a birthday card. This person made little effort to be in the kids life, their choice, and when the card was received in the mail I focused on how nice that was that you were thought of for a card to be mailed. The people pleaser in me, suggested a phone call to thank for the birthday card that was mailed.
My wee daughter looked at me and said, so let me get this straight, people don’t have to come see me or call me but I have to?
It was in that moment, she taught me a very valuable lesson, people will come in and out of our lives, many times without our own choice, and thats ok. However we do not need to self sabotage on ourselves giving out more energy to those who do not reciprocate. Duly noted my girl!
We sat down and she wrote a thank you letter. We mailed it and never heard if it was ever received, the odd time she still receives a mailed card and its her choice how, or if she responds to it <3
