The past couple months have been busy and emotional. We are making a significant shift at work within our office and our daughter was finishing her last season of hockey.
Life happens and we respond, sometimes life keeps happening and its like when you fall down on ice, you can get up, but you may fall again, you may flail for a bit when getting to and you may get up perfectly fine to then fall down much later.
Ive been going, pushing myself, and many times neglecting my own needs due to mainly others needs or my to-do list. This can only happen for so long before someone collapses, in some way. Last week, my son and I ended up in the hospital on the same day, I had been there for hours before he arrived and I knew he was going to be coming. Laying in the hospital bed, explaining to the Dr his situation 3 surgeries later and then later, while waiting for my own U/S showing the nurse while in my gown how his wound care is supposed to be done before heading to my test. For the past 6 years of my life, being on and of wound care for both my husband and son, that is pulling up all the triggers.
A week later I found out the news of what was happening with my body. I have shared before, especially years ago of my own health challenges. PCOS, Hypothyroidism Hashimotos, Endometriosis and IBS. All different, yet do go hand in hand. When I am conscious within my body, my stress/overwhelm is much lower, I am eating properly, hydrating, taking my supplements and being active to what my body needs – I feel like me. My invisible health challenges are a complex, and quite often my overwhelming reality, with overlapping symptoms like chronic inflammation, severe fatigue, pain, and metabolic issues.
I was taken down by a burst ovarian cyst. I know I have had small ones rupture before, having PCOS that is our norm, however this, this took me out. I was in bed from the time I got home after 4pm until the next morning when I had some relief, but still was quite uncomfortable (the day I went to the hospital).
Here’s the thing, even though my current life/work circumstances have felt stressful, I was doing much better before, until I had issue after issues after issue, that I needed to step up for. More recently, both kids and myself have had attention pulled to us. For one kid, not in a way neither of us needed – again, especially him. Its beginning to feel like the never ending story, which I will be honest weighs so damn heavy at times. I am lucky, in that I have a medical professional who cares, is compassionate and understands. We’ve since been able to make shifts for our daughter, thankfully, however until my physical and mental health (especially) has been under so much stress, which doesn’t help any of my invisible illnesses, especially when already feeling stressed and emotional. Honestly its finding a new level of courage, a level I had to pull myself up to after my husbands accident as well during a horrible time in the world. I still have PTSD from that entire experience with him in and out of hospital and negligent health professionals, which our recent situation is flaring.
Between our health, work and hockey. Thats been the past couple months. Ive rarely picked up my computer to blog freely like this, to simply share photos, between being on my computer for work and our daughters team having 2 BIG hockey weekends, 2 weeks apart. I am truly grateful for the opportunity to photograph her team, I just love the action shots. In two weeks they played 9 games, which meant processing up to 500+ images per game – I loved it and will miss it, so in those moments, of photographing nothing else, and embraced hockey and work!
Now… we are on the other side, the shift within work, all the effort put in for the past couple months, is beginning to take fruit, the steps that felt so daunting at times, like it was never ending, has been achieved with significant steps forward, which will be so wonderful.
Change feels challenging for me, I can admit that. Especially with many outside factors at play in so many different ways. Ive often wondered why, at times it feels like shining a light on the unknowns or the known injustices of the world. Especially when faced with challenges, fed by those injustices, where at times it feels like your hands are tied.
This week Ive been reminded the importance of ME. Everything surrounding and about me, truthfully. There is no way I can handle what I need to by neglecting myself and my own needs, even those that feel invisible, or when I feel invisible, immersed within the why and filled with confusion.
To be sitting here, listening to the rain fall outside, on this early Saturday morning. Knowing I do have various tasks on my to-do list today, both work and home related. A sense of pride, excitement, slight fear of the change, but easier to embrace, especially with a weekend at home. To be present. A reset. Mother Nature perhaps thinking the same with the cleansing energy of this pouring rain.
Life brings us shifts, the emotions of knowing our daughters hockey was ending, I can now think and talk about without getting teary. Big life shifts. We have always been parents who are in our kids lives, whatever that was for a winter sport or taking a break during the summer. Im going to miss this. We now have weekends fully free in the winter, which feels weird, but we are embracing!
Being reminded this week of my own health needing to be a priority for me, there were countless times I ignored this voice, many times I pushed myself to the side. We are our most important priority, that needs to happen before life makes it happen. Especially knowing I do not want to experience that pain again, or be faced with another surgery. The easiest decision is me, allowing myself permission to make myself the priority.
My biggest lessons this week – listen to ME, listen to my body, push to be your own best advocate and when you are a parent, even as those babies hit and surpass that magic number of 18, they still need you mama. Even as the medical system tries to shift them away from their mother, when you raise your kids while openly speaking of health and the importance as well as the pitfalls that, lets be honest, so many of us fall in, especially when hit with overwhelm. Teaching them how to maneuver a system that is sadly collapsing within in our country, teaching them that they are important and even if the doctor may forget about them, they have every right to know their body and what is happening within it and pushing for answers, pushing for proper care, pushing for respect. Pushing, even when that means paying out of pocket after a doctor tells you no. Trusting in your body’s direction when something feels wrong, to know that you have every right to find and know the answers and you are never an inconvenience – ever.
That last line just hit my heart, … you are never an inconvenience – ever…
So many suffer in silence, for too long, afraid to speak up or have been shut down before by medical “professionals” who think their educational diploma has more importance than how you FEEL in your body.
Its time for change and sometimes we are directed in a quite round-about way. What change will you help bring forth. With confidence. So no one else is left to suffer in ways that anyone should. Especially when this push is the reminder we need, life isn’t to be this way. Everyone is meant to live their best life, including feeling good. Medical gaslighting must end. Now.
Mama never be afraid to stand up for your babies, even the more grown ones <3
They need you!
