Put The To-Do List Aside

Tomorrow it becomes known of what my daughter is facing. I am an honest mixture of sadness, sorrow, anger, frustration and optimism.

The Ontario medical system, when trying to figure out basic stuff… just fucking sucks! Seriously. And from our experience over the past 5 years, its only getting worse. People’s lives are at stake and basic shit is being completely over looked.

They are having an event at their school, and she, because of her diagnosis, will now be more of a part of this event. She called me on Monday to tell me. I didn’t hear sadness or worry, instead I felt confidence. She is finally at a place where she has truly good friends. After a couple bumps in the road, I am so grateful in that sense she now has wonderful core friends and her boyfriend, who has always been her rock! I cried as soon as she told me, of course as most moms do, trying to not make it obvious I was crying. I know her diagnosis, but suddenly when I realized it was going to be then very known, I instantly began crying, I felt almost constricted, overwhelm… this is now going to make it more real.

Our core people know, our close family and close friends. Its hard for me to process. It will still be hard for me even after tomorrow. At some point on this journey awaiting results, at the beginning stages, I was in meditation and connected with my brother’s spirit. I very clearly heard his voice say to me, ‘Pam its not good, but you can handle it’. I already had that gut feeling. A mom knows. She feels it to her core. Ive always been close with the kids, they grew up using essential oils and having oil massages regularly, so Ive ingrained into them the importance of listening to your body. Obviously kids are kids. However she knew something was wrong, she kept track of her symptoms and what was happening and when. She also gave the Doctor permission for her mother, also being a minor anyway.

I am in this level of anger, that I know I need to release FOR my daughter and also myself. Ive bit my tongue through years of dealing with this messed up medical system, Ive taken many deep breaths. It is just horrible.

What can one person change?!

I definitely cannot change hospital policy or force a doctor to lead with ethics and respect.

I can lead myself and my family, continuing on the path we were already on. When things kinda bumped us off the rails. Especially me… mom and wife. My nervous system is broken, and that is ok. Its the night before and much like last night, I feel the heaviness setting in. Sitting on my deck, the weather is so beautiful! Im sad. Our life is changing again. And by “our” that is us and our kids, if our kid’s life changes, ours does too. They were through their dad’s accident with multiple surgeries and lengthy healing. As well as our son’s severe autoimmune illness that also resulted in multiple surgeries and on going care.

To the wife and mom, me. I had no choice but to the the rock of the household. And Im so fucking tired. But more than anything, I will always rise for my kids and husband, without a doubt. One thing I need to remind myself is to stay creative, keep writing, grab my camera and get shooting, use the oils, get outside, have the bath, start the diffuser, cry… Just fucking cry, embrace like minded people. My inner circle is small, Ive always been more introverted. This just keeps pushing me to levels, that apparently Ive already owned, because Ive now surpassed. No time to worry about what anyone else (outside my life) are doing or need. Boundaries and focus. As a recovering people pleaser I am learning the importance of putting me first. Everyday, which can feel hard when facing hard things, that you have so many emotions of.

Tomorrow… This becomes even more real.

Tonight, the to-do list is set aside and I am sitting in a comfy dress on my deck. I plan to grab my books, journal and some oracle cards to help calm, as well as ensure I take my magnesium before bed. Its ok to be scared, its also ok to trust 🙏