Its been a process with many ups and downs. My reclaiming happened within 2021, 2022 it was MY space again. A room that I could retreat to and allow my creativity to flow and grow.
Our Healing Room, for our family.
Until it became the literal medical of that. The room, the massage table, the space, was used to organize and store medical supplies and wound care was happening either daily or every other day.
My space, although I could hold off on succombing to this for a while, it then became too much. The weight of what was expected from me. The worry, the resentment, the anger, the multitude of emotions and feelings being felt. The questions. Its very easy to sink into victim mentality, after 2 yrs + 3 surgeries of my husband, it felt like a personal, painful joke.
Of course as a wife and mom I would do anything for them.
Something has to give though and far too often, its the caregivers mental health.
My room, my space, became the ‘dumping ground’ again in a sense that it was just so emotionally overwhelming for me to be in there, it was merely used for storage and wound care. This made sense in the moment, ease for what we were living in and with at the time.
I knew this was something that is important to my own mental health. During those first few years of the turmoil, having this space – entirely to me for a full year – was life giving. As I was questioning myself the other day, HOW did you do …
I didn’t have the opportunity to THINK about what I needed to do or take care of. It was a matter of fact. However when I skim the surface for taking care of me, I truly get little benefit of this. I may be able to keep myself skimming the surface, staying afloat, however thats it.
This weekend, I took back that space, with still a bit of filing to do to finish organizing, the space feels fresh again, like me again. Honoring who I know I am and that my quirkiness and uniqueness is admired by some, possibly not by others and thats ok. The ying and yang of life, much like my zen den healing room! I am grateful for this space, I am grateful I had the opportunity to use it how I needed to. I am also grateful for the glaring spotlight of importance that even when it was a caregiving room, its deeply crucial for me to have this space for me, and thats ok!
Don’t leave yourself in the dark… lean in and honor your heart + soul!
Spring 2025, when the stakes come out of the snowmobile trails!
There’s nothing like a relaxing, yet productive day at home. Some meal planning for the week, slow start to the morning, delicious food, warm tea. I had the thought earlier we should go for a drive, I wanted to go out but also wanted to relax. Went out with the dog and felt the creative spark. All it took was a message to my husband, to take me on a photo tour! An hour driving back roads with my camera and then checking the trail where they removed pegs yesterday, picking up a bundle that fell out after some bumps lol! The forest bathing I needed! Being out in nature, or near water is so life giving for me. Capturing it with my camera intensifies that memory and feeling. Sundays at home, are always a day well spent, especially when I can get out with my camera. I had my Canon RP and the 24-240mm lens ready in my small bag so I grabbed that and we headed out!
The other day I was contemplating something, as a spiritual person I am more aware of universal signs and so I asked for a sign. I specifically asked my brother for a sign. I remember thinking to myself to be aware of what I may see, hear, smell, touch and suddenly I could smell his cologne. The irony is that our son wears the same. He was not home at the time. Trust me when I say it was quite the mind fuck smelling that smell, it stopped me in my tracks quite a few times.
I acknowledged the sign of the cologne smell, even to the fact that I stopped myself and said wait what day is it, he’s not here (our son)… which then pushed me to ask for a confirmation sign, ok I see this sign show me a signier sign. In all seriousness when you are spiritual and ask for a sign like this on a level like this, once I can get myself past this full trust spot, its purely magical.
The next sign showed up quick again, in the kitchen alone making food and I could feel something/someone touching near my left ear and on the back of my neck.
Believe it. Believe all the signs.
I have days that feel this magical, that I can talk to him and although I do not see him, its like we have this new spiritual relationship where when I DO stop and listen and watch for the signs he IS here with me.
Its really mind bending loosing someone so young, as much as it is real, it doesn’t feel real. Yet at the same time it can feel absolutely painful.
I feel much more comfortable pulled in, this weekend having the time and space to BE home has been heart filling. A break between the hockey/snowmobiling season – also known as winter, currently in the season of mud while we await the beauty of spring, I am reminded how rewarding being present can be.
The songs take over my heart, Ive been (finally) slathering on oils on me morning, afternoon and night, Im still doing the diffuser blends every single morning both at home and work, and part of my evening routine at home. Meal planning, ensuring that I am getting protein every morning – I was lacking on this before, I can see when shouldering the responsibility of care-giving for others, its natural to neglect our own needs, which doesn’t serve anyone else. Its now been over a month I have been consistently making my work week breakfasts on Sunday and have things prepped to grab and go, very protein rich! Making home made sour dough bread and experimenting with protein muffins.
No one can tell you how to heal, not everyone will even care if or how you heal, healing requires to go deep within, the deeper the more thorough the healing. Reaching for holistic options that support my heart, brain and energy body. Understanding that slipping back into food support is not the best option. Being a healing emotional eater, and aware of this.
Embracing all that makes me, taking photos of everything, regardless of what we are doing, its a memory worth capturing, with full gratitude. As heart wrenching as it felt to upload thousands of photos to our digital frame, the gratitude that pours out of my heart seeing all of those images is profound.
If you have been watching tv or listening to the radio their propaganda is back in full force. Reminds me of 2021… the same sense of “do what we tell you” feeling.
The big bad orange guy of the US is being mean to us, come on Canada stand up with us and show our united front.
Why wasn’t supporting Canada your first thought before the government told you how to think, again?
Many seems to forget the various taxes Trudeau added, including the Carbon tax at 19.5% – which now apparently Carney is getting rid of… I truthfully don’t trust anyone in government, especially anyone connected to Trudeau. The taxes on fuel is 33%. There is tax on tax. Did you see the US telling people not to come to Canada? Well many know not to because its so messed up! We are taxed on tax here. Where is the upset?
Interestingly enough right before this, the division was strong and clear, no one wanted Trudeau and his policies that have ruined the country after 9 years – including those in 2021-2023. You know, the times when Trudeau, the Prime Minister of the country of Canada told the “unvaccinated” you will not ride on a plane or train and infect those who were responsible and got the vaccine. To only now be propelled into a time in our lives when the medical system is literally at the worst its ever been. Call for an appointment with your “family doctor” – why by the way profits merely from having you listed as a patient… and they tell you to go to emerg.
The vile division he created by making these statements. That the unjabbed were causing “all the problems” and the ones filling hospitals. Mmmm ok…
Its devastatingly sad that I know many who have been affected by this jab, their lives will NEVER be the same. Because they trusted the very people who control everything to do with our economy, they handed their health to them in full trust. Now… many people are living in hell because of this or will never have that level of health again!
Children and adults were BANNED from going into places, SEGREGATED and forced to SHOW PAPERS for entry. If you didn’t follow along with their game you were denied entry. Or until you created your own fake “passport” which many did.
Ok so let me get this right, the family doctors are getting kick backs for merely having patients on their roster, even if they dont see them, and now by directing people through emerg the doctors working there for a premium are getting more as well as the hospital because its “emergency”. Plus the family doctors are still making money off you… even sending you to emerg! Oh the games played in this country.
Far too much fear was spread and thats what they counted on. Keep them in fear and they wont notice their freedoms being pushed out – much like our money they keep sending to other countries. If a government cannot take care of its own people, nothing should be leaving the country to help anyone else, point blank and Im not a cold hearted human for thinking that. There are so many people struggling in Canada currently, its so sad!
First off, to use the excuse of tariff’s to push people to buy Canadian – um why weren’t you before? Do you literally wait until the government tells you what to do before you do it? How do you make general everyday decisions in your life? How many of you have cancelled Amazon, or stopped buying off many of your fav websites that are also US based? Im guessing not many! Convenience right… ok sure!
This is exactly why, to me, it feels like the entire covid scam again, to hear someone who was installed into our current government and not elected in, from what Ive seen is this person even Canadian? Does he have our best interests? Well he comes in, already costing the tax payers money for a trip he took at half a million before even being “elected” into his position. Has now “cancelled” the carbon tax and apparently this weekend will call an election.
How do you spell buying votes?
There is a ton of smoke and mirrors happening right now and the more people blindly trust and listen to the tv and radio the deeper they will sink. This is the moment again, you are being tested by the very country we live in and many are falling for it – rah rah Canada – divide against the US, divide against other people – THE SAME DIVISION THEY CREATED WITH COVID!
Don’t fall for it, you are better than that, rise up.
Government officials are literally puppets from even higher above – scary and reality. When a country cares more about OTHER countries and continually send tax payer dollars there, after taxing them on what they earn and then taxing on EVERYTHING you buy – heavy and deep corruption!
The time is NOW to know YOUR truth – regardless of what anyone else may think.
GO deep on that!
Wake up Canada or you will forever be in the pocket of the government and never truly free!
Don’t get caught in the current, learn to follow your own inner being!
As we enter into the Spring season of 2025 there is much to be, feel blessed for. Its a journey through these seasons and through life. Wandering and wondering, building and creating in various ways. Leaning into the truth of your being and appreciating the fullness of life.
It doesn’t always go the ways we “want” to, life provides us an abundance of growth opportunities, especially if we step into resistance in any way. Resistance is a natural block in life, like a road block gently telling us something isn’t right.
Times like these our intuition picks up on, and when clear and uninfluenced by outside sources, can broaden our horizons in such beautiful way.
Clear your energy, clean up your mind and allow your intuition to speak clearly to you without the noise of anyone else in your life, that may think they have good intentions for you, however are muffled.
As the seasons change, so do we as humans. Embrace this and embrace the wholeness that you are as a being free from the chains of others beliefs that may muffle out your souls true desires and path.
This year, carve your own path and never apologize for being yourself and curious!
The other night after leaving work I pulled up to the one intersection on my way home, the same intersection that multiple times last year, I crossed paths with my little brother here. As I pulled up, I was feeling more emotional – it hits in waves, one day I can be totally fine all day and others not.
We have to accept the little nudges from God when he shows them to us. As I was waiting for the light to turn from red to green so I could go through, the same van that my brother used to drive for the refrigeration company… drove through the lights.
Cue instant great big alligator size tears falling from my eyes.
It was in that moment before the van drove by that I was thinking of him and thinking of calling our one Grama, after seeing the van, with a very shaky voice I didn’t hesitate to call her.
Our loved ones, as much as we miss them in this physical space and time, are always with us and as much as it can be devastating to never see them physically again, I am so incredibly grateful for signs like this.
Kind of like when I walked in our bedroom the one night and in the middle of the bed was a dime. Just a single dime.
Grief and love are such unique feelings – never be afraid to be you and embrace however you need to feel. Look for those glimmers in life and shine bright!
With my health and regularly taking my supplements.
Life, life was my excuse and taking care of others. I took on the victim mentality and then it began twisting, are you worthy of this, why do you need this, do you deserve to feel good?
After being in pain for months, I had to put it to the test and after a week + I am thrilled to say its working!!!
What am I doing…
Journaling and Reading Daily
Meditating
VMG Vitamin & Mineral Drink + Omegas + Vitamin D Drops + MetaPWR Drop + Recharge Electrolytes + Zendocrine x2
Walking Daily
Protein Focus + Breakfast Meal Planning
Following the creative intuitive hits
There are a few other things I am working with and trying, Im excited to share more!
Sometimes it helps to see things from a different perspective, I read a quote yesterday that really shifted my alignment in ME.
Write the story, even if no one reads it. Take the photo, even if no one sees it. Sing the song, even if no one hears it. Explore, even if your company is the trees. a.b.
Even just looking at this photo is giving me a slight nauseous feeling, and this photo depicts exactly how quickly the water was moving and the nauseous feeling I had while standing on the bridge with the sheer volume of water from the spring thaw .
Even just 5 minute out in nature can feel so freeing to the mind!
‘Its been a week’, one sentence I would prefer shifting to, ‘What a week!’ with happiness and enthusiasm. When do I feel that way? When I feel good, when I am aligned with my body, I thrive.
This week although I had some lows, I set myself up for success, and failure. Everyone can fail, being successful or a failure is a ultimately the choice. I meal prepped some breakfast egg cups, I made sure to pack my breakfast every morning and take with me. I also made sure that I ate lunch everyday and keeping protein in mind, a healthy dinner.
I supported myself through a hiccup of ‘am I worthy of this’ … aka do I really need to spend this money on me – something that has been what Ive been consistently working on! Do I need this to feel better and live pain free?
Afterall the gynecologist’s solution was the birth control pill and/or pain pills regularly. I am not going back to that life.
I am worth it.
For a full week Ive been drinking my vitamin and mineral drink with additional vitamin D and Omega’s. I have also walked our dog everyday, one thing that I committed to for him and me – training. After 5 days straight of walking, he walked the best yet!
By the end of the week I was also sleeping better and even after an impromptu 2.5km walk, I experienced no pain or discomfort – so thats a big win!
After a successful breakfast morning week last week, I decided to change it up a bit and I am thrilled with the result! A full ham slice in the bottom of each muffin tin, first brush oil inside the muffin tin – I love coconut oil for this! Into the ham slice I added chopped onion, broccoli, pepper and feta cheese, then I put a whole raw egg on the top. Set the oven to 375 and baked for 20 min – they are perfect!
I also baked the sourdough bread that I had prepared the afternoon before and when the egg breakfast muffins were done, I also baked some protein chocolate chip muffins!
Fun fact, a couple weeks ago I made these muffins for the first time, I didnt know what I did “wrong”, they didn’t rise at all, rather were more dense – like some of the protein cookies Ive tried before. Last weekend when I made them, I realized I left out the baking powder. They certainly did rise, but also lost that doughy dense texture. Today when I made them, I added 1 extra scoop of protein powder and didn’t add in any baking powder – to prevent them from rising. I took a family recipe and ramped it up into the perfect quick grab and go protein bite! Approx 6 grams of protein per muffin.
So am I worth it? 10000% When you dial into yourself what you need and desire deeply, it flows with ease. Much like last night, knowing there wouldn’t be much parking space we car pooled with others to the local hockey game, as the game was nearing the end, it hit me, we were stuck there at the mercy of someone else until they were ready. Not that big of a deal, thankfully as our vehicle was about 2.5 kms away, it was a beautiful mild evening, I walked there in less than 20 min, I think less than 15. I proved something else to myself.
Along with journaling daily, everyday in the morning and most evenings. Reading a page from a couple books that Ive been reading all year a page a day as well as meditating – this is such a powerful practice!!!
The things in life that ARE meant for you – will come with ease. Be open to that and understand that we are all unique, what is meant for me isn’t for you, and thats OK!
The reality of grief and living life can sometimes hit you harder than you want and take you by surprise, in a sense.
As our week was leading up to a birthday celebration for our daughter, I could feel my energy having a bit harder time with things. Fully transparent, we had a full week leading up to it with being out of the house every single night. Not sure if this is a projector energy thing, however Ive definitely learned that I need my down time to recharge.
The day came for us to celebrate her and so did some really big emotions. Like hit driving home and massive alligator size tears falling. Everything came together beautifully. Honestly I was also worried of how our pup would behave with everyone over, this winter was one that he didn’t see many extras and he did wonderful! The evening pulled together beautifully for our girl.
Its incredible how things unfold and flow in and out of our lives, the less resistance we have the better the flow. The other day, I felt completely out of the flow, I had even meal prepped for my day, so that everything would flow perfectly. We had left over pasta so I used that to make a pasta salad with tuna, a yummy dressing, carrots and celery. As I was making it, I clearly heard – why are you adding in tuna when you know its going to make you feel off… I ignored that warning. After consuming the tuna salad, I knew it was against my better judgement of what my intuition had warned. Within the afternoon my energy felt more drained, exhausted actually, I could feel a headache coming on and just the overwhelming feeling of blah!
I got home from work and exactly what I wanted to do was lay on the couch and just cry and have myself a little pity party. Well, after I promised my dog a walk each day after work now that the nice weather is here, I couldn’t go back on my promise to him! With the excitement in his eyes and eagerness to go out with mom. I did it, I cried, he walked, we both worked on training – in more ways than one. When I got home, my husband had arrived and our son was heading out. Life chapters are interesting, which I also feel I am still adjusting with.
As I was telling my husband about how I was feeling, he grabbed a can and looked up the ingredients, simple – Tuna, Water and Sea Salt – which confused me more, WHY does it make me feel like this every time I eat it? What is interesting is my husband googled Selenium which 1/2 a can is 69% of your daily intake. High selenium can cause skin rash, nausea, diarrhea, fatigue, irritability and nervous system abnormalities – interesting right!? I find all of these signs fascinating as I was experiencing feeling slightly nauseous, extremely fatigued, irritable and my nervous system was off. What is interesting, is this may not even affect anyone else like it does me, our bodies are so unique and different.
The more aware I am with my health and body, the better equipped I am able to handle the grief waves. When hit with one, when feeling down, its much worse than being hit with one and feeling much higher vibe. Eating and drinking foods that align with that, is key!
The other night, which ended up being our last local ride on our snowmobiles on the local trails. We found an end of the season deal on new helmets. As ours were around 8 years old it was time to upgrade – especially for me, when it means being able to see better!
When they arrived on Monday, I knew my husband would want to try them out. Monday evening being our *only* evening at home after a busy weekend, my energy was feeling the strain. So I acknowledged that and named it. I was honest with my husband and it felt better voicing it, allowing the energy out of my body. This was to be my only night at home, however yes lets go.
As I was leading us through the one bush trail, I rounded the corner into the open field, it always feels so freeing riding through nature, the snowmobile trails go where roads can’t and its so beautiful. I was leaning into this ride, knowing it could be our last and enjoying the unobstructed view through my new helmet.
As I came around the corner, I saw something on the left side of the trail in the open field. I wondered, could that be a big snow ball, yet at the same time I also said to myself, it looks more square, it doesn’t look like a snowball?
I rode beside it, and got just past when I realized, nope not a snow ball, it was a big beautiful white Owl sitting in the snow! I stopped once I realized what this was and looked behind to see if my husband was coming, as I turned the big beautiful bird sat for a moment, before opening its big wings and flying off into the night sky.
Being a spiritual girl, I knew this owl held meaning for me to see it. What are the chances that it was exactly where I would be passing on a night I technically wasn’t supposed to be out. Many of these spiritual meanings, hold tight to my heart.
Especially when our ride began with angel numbers… something within told me to grab this shot, it wasn’t even 15 minutes later I saw the Owl.
When you pay attention to the signs, it can be magical! 888 – Balance… everything is falling into place as its meant to be.
It can be challenging to allow yourself to open up to energy, especially after heartache. However as I continue learning, even through heartache, its ok to do things for you and to allow yourself to find that new balance and choose happy.
We enjoyed a nice ride out in nature, a balance for me to find being a bit later in the evening after dealing with an unexpected emergency, which could have been worse than it was, thankfully. An energy re-balance, however. Knowing that things will hit us beyond our control and its when we learn to flow with this, that we can find and develop our power.
As we were on our test drive with our new helmets, I could feel my sensitivities heightening, I could feel my emotions also ramping up. When we stopped and my husband asked how I was doing, I began to get emotional. Anyone who knows me, knows I wear glasses, so part of this new helmet test was to see how it felt to ride with my glasses – I like to ensure I have a back up should a contact go sideways. Its ok to voice how you feel, its ok to say Thank you and Im sorry in the same sentence. With some adjustments, I know my riding in the next season will be comfortable!
As I embrace this up coming weekend, I am grateful for some down time after a busy on the go week – a lot of fun and excitement – however I am also proud of myself for honoring ME and my energy and voicing this week how challenging its felt for me to not have any evenings at home, until Friday. Naming it, bringing it – how Im feeling, to the light also helps dissipate the energy to better balance!
When we lean in to these spiritual signs, our world can open up in beautiful ways.
