Put The To-Do List Aside

Tomorrow it becomes known of what my daughter is facing. I am an honest mixture of sadness, sorrow, anger, frustration and optimism.

The Ontario medical system, when trying to figure out basic stuff… just fucking sucks! Seriously. And from our experience over the past 5 years, its only getting worse. People’s lives are at stake and basic shit is being completely over looked.

They are having an event at their school, and she, because of her diagnosis, will now be more of a part of this event. She called me on Monday to tell me. I didn’t hear sadness or worry, instead I felt confidence. She is finally at a place where she has truly good friends. After a couple bumps in the road, I am so grateful in that sense she now has wonderful core friends and her boyfriend, who has always been her rock! I cried as soon as she told me, of course as most moms do, trying to not make it obvious I was crying. I know her diagnosis, but suddenly when I realized it was going to be then very known, I instantly began crying, I felt almost constricted, overwhelm… this is now going to make it more real.

Our core people know, our close family and close friends. Its hard for me to process. It will still be hard for me even after tomorrow. At some point on this journey awaiting results, at the beginning stages, I was in meditation and connected with my brother’s spirit. I very clearly heard his voice say to me, ‘Pam its not good, but you can handle it’. I already had that gut feeling. A mom knows. She feels it to her core. Ive always been close with the kids, they grew up using essential oils and having oil massages regularly, so Ive ingrained into them the importance of listening to your body. Obviously kids are kids. However she knew something was wrong, she kept track of her symptoms and what was happening and when. She also gave the Doctor permission for her mother, also being a minor anyway.

I am in this level of anger, that I know I need to release FOR my daughter and also myself. Ive bit my tongue through years of dealing with this messed up medical system, Ive taken many deep breaths. It is just horrible.

What can one person change?!

I definitely cannot change hospital policy or force a doctor to lead with ethics and respect.

I can lead myself and my family, continuing on the path we were already on. When things kinda bumped us off the rails. Especially me… mom and wife. My nervous system is broken, and that is ok. Its the night before and much like last night, I feel the heaviness setting in. Sitting on my deck, the weather is so beautiful! Im sad. Our life is changing again. And by “our” that is us and our kids, if our kid’s life changes, ours does too. They were through their dad’s accident with multiple surgeries and lengthy healing. As well as our son’s severe autoimmune illness that also resulted in multiple surgeries and on going care.

To the wife and mom, me. I had no choice but to the the rock of the household. And Im so fucking tired. But more than anything, I will always rise for my kids and husband, without a doubt. One thing I need to remind myself is to stay creative, keep writing, grab my camera and get shooting, use the oils, get outside, have the bath, start the diffuser, cry… Just fucking cry, embrace like minded people. My inner circle is small, Ive always been more introverted. This just keeps pushing me to levels, that apparently Ive already owned, because Ive now surpassed. No time to worry about what anyone else (outside my life) are doing or need. Boundaries and focus. As a recovering people pleaser I am learning the importance of putting me first. Everyday, which can feel hard when facing hard things, that you have so many emotions of.

Tomorrow… This becomes even more real.

Tonight, the to-do list is set aside and I am sitting in a comfy dress on my deck. I plan to grab my books, journal and some oracle cards to help calm, as well as ensure I take my magnesium before bed. Its ok to be scared, its also ok to trust 🙏

When Reality of Real Life Hits

A loved one had some heart breaking news, that is shifting their journey through life. She told me today she is ready to let it be known, public beyond our close circle. Im not sure why it caught me, as in 2 days it would be public then.

I was out in our garden and it hit me, I wasn’t ready for it to be public yet. My emotions engulfed me and reality began to set in.

The wave was almost similar to the grief anxiety that comes after loosing someone suddenly. When you just don’t want to run into one more person, I honestly wanted to avoid everyone. The benefits and also challenges of living in a small town, running into people you know, its great, can feel supportive, but can also, in the beginning feel torturous.

However, this is not my story, I do not make the rules. Reality is, now is the time I need to align with me, my heart, my soul. To also find strength.

If you believe in spirits, as a Reiki Master, who needs to also get my hands going more – isn’t it incredible how when you are IN something, you can completely overlook the tools you have, that you know help you. I may need to get some sticky notes to leave reminders for myself. Grief also causes so much brain fog! My brother died suddenly Nov 2024, its been one of the hardest things Ive ever had to face, especially as the oldest sibling. I talk to him all the time. I talked to him, one day in meditation and asked about my loved one. It was profound, I heard his voice clear as day say, ‘Its not good Pam, but you can handle it’. I remember in that moment, closing my journal and getting up… ah again the denial, Ive been stuck there slightly.

So, reality hit real life tonight, caught me off guard but did get a lot of weeds out of our front garden! Something I am also teaching myself to enjoy as a meditative practice.

As I was gardening the emotions hit, quick and heavy, I just let the tears fall. I consciously pulled the weeds with the help of a trowel, I think its called, a small gardening shovel. I am continually reminded of what happened to my husband in May 2021 and how my rage gardening helped throw my back out and had me flat for 24 hours! After 24 hours I was rallying for our kids so we could drive to the city to see their dad, after a significant surgery.

I am being reminded how much our body holds onto things. The tension in my back, neck, shoulder, hips can all provide a release, when I am conscious to this. The irony ;)

I am still waiting until Friday or the weekend to allow this to hit my external reality online, I am grateful to have found this online journey at this time 🙏

Eye Catching | Pink Honeysuckle

Daily writing prompt
Go on a walk today and share a photo of something that catches your eye.
View all responses

This was tucked in with some tall lilac’s, I had no idea its name until I looked it up this evening. I also saw some the other day when out. Love the bursts of pink colour!

Taken with my Canon R6MII + EF 180mm f3.5 Macro

Lens-Artists Challenge #400 | The Rule of Three

Tina introduces this weeks topic and its a play on 3. “This week our challenge is a bit of a twist on a well-known concept in photography. We often discuss the “rule of thirds” which divides an image visually into 9 equal segments – using two vertical and two horizontal lines. The rule of threes on the other hand depicts images which contain three subjects. This is a lesser-known photographic concept but perhaps one worthy of further exploration.“

I appreciate the awareness these challenges bring. I regularly think of the rule of thirds when editing or composing a shot, this brings an interesting twist. After reading the topic, I did begin noticing a groups of 3. One, that I forgot to take a photo of, were 3 candle stick holders and candles at my sisters place. I myself tend to group in odd numbers, 1 is not enough, 3 provides a nice grouping.

Three water lilies grouped together among the lily pad’s. Taken with my 180mm macro lens and cropped in closer.

Pulled back, including some surrounding water lilies and the grouping, to me really does stand out.

While driving our vehicle hit an angel number. A sequence of 3 numbers repeating. Its a cool spiritual sign for me, and something special between my husband and I.

More blossoms, which I love in a couple groups, I did not see this when I was taking the photos, grateful for this angle! 3 grouped together to the left of the branch and also to the lower right. I missed our own apple tree during its blossom and bloom stage so I was happy to find these today!

I am going to keep this theme in mind this week! Thank you Tina for the inspiration. If you want to participate in the Lens-Artists Photo Challenge be sure to use the tag so we can find you!

Life Changes and Nature | Turkey Point

The past couple weeks have been emotionally packed and I am grateful for a weekend at home this weekend to ground in and settle.

My blog posts for a wee bit may come across as cryptic, however its just not time yet to voice it here for what it is, and thats okay. For much of my life I have very much been a people pleaser and ‘this’ situation is helping heal this within me.

A reminder to always follow your gut, to always listen to your intuition. To trust you first and gain the confidence to push forth if what you are told is not sitting well with you.

This can feel like a long road, thankless at times as well. Especially when you have to find strength, again. Feeling down because you used that word, again, and it feels like a hamster wheel that just keeps on going.

Those closest to us know, does it make it easier, yes in a way but still no.

Last weekend we were in the Turkey Point Provincial Park from Saturday afternoon until Monday afternoon. We loved it, although our minds were both expanded and also constricted at the same time, its what we needed in a very big way. Until Tuesday brought us back to reality and my nervous system was struggling.

The beach at Turkey Point is vast, we were there on a weekend that wasn’t the nicest, Im sure this weekend, when we were actually meant to go, would be much nicer. Plans had to be changed, with deep compassion.

This section of beach was at a dead end, I love how peaceful the image feels with the fog.

This weekend reminded me, we never know what tomorrow will bring, however when we trust and lean into our intuition, thats when the magic can happen. You do not need to pay big bucks for this, nor do you need a degree. Degree’s can be bought but intuition and common sense, cannot be. That is truly priceless!

DWP | Life Advice

Daily writing prompt
What’s the most profound piece of advice you’ve been given? Did you take it?
View all responses

When I read this, what jumped into my head was something my daughter said to me many years ago, probably at least 10. Someone had mailed her a birthday card. This person made little effort to be in the kids life, their choice, and when the card was received in the mail I focused on how nice that was that you were thought of for a card to be mailed. The people pleaser in me, suggested a phone call to thank for the birthday card that was mailed.

My wee daughter looked at me and said, so let me get this straight, people don’t have to come see me or call me but I have to?

It was in that moment, she taught me a very valuable lesson, people will come in and out of our lives, many times without our own choice, and thats ok. However we do not need to self sabotage on ourselves giving out more energy to those who do not reciprocate. Duly noted my girl!

We sat down and she wrote a thank you letter. We mailed it and never heard if it was ever received, the odd time she still receives a mailed card and its her choice how, or if she responds to it <3

Lens-Artists Challenge #399 | Stuck in Place

Egidio introduced a fabulous theme for this weeks Lens-Artists Challenge – Stuck in Place. He explains and shows examples beautifully in his blog post – Stuck in Place. Check out his explanation of this theme below,

“At one time or another, some of us feel a lack of inspiration or motivation to photograph new things. Some people address those times by going out with only one lens. Others force a change in perspective by switching to monochrome. There is no one-size-fits-all solution. Ritva’s color challenge from last week, for example, is another way to spark fresh ideas. Today, I’ll offer another challenge that will hopefully unlock new inspiration in your photography.

We will practice being “stuck in place.” So, gather all your gear – lenses, tripod, lights, filters, cell phone, and whatever you use on your photo journey – and let’s get stuck in one place. Ideally, you should carve out thirty minutes to an hour to do this. Here is the one rule: you can do anything with your camera and lenses, but you should limit how far you move from where you are “stuck.” You can move 10–15 steps in any direction to capture new images.”

This past week was another emotional one for me, actually all of us. Ive noticed when this happens, its like I become stuck in myself, I will reach for things I enjoy, but the focus just isn’t there. This past weekend, we had a weekend booked at Turkey Point Provincial Park camping with friends. Something we were all looking forward to, and really needed. To spend 3 days in nature, was exactly what we needed to reset. Being early spring and the weather not being the best on Saturday, it truly was like we were just out in the middle of a forest!

As we were sitting there Sunday morning I noticed movement along the forest floor. Chipmunks! There were SO many of them. I embraced the silence and sat watching them. Some were scurrying across the forest floor and others were on top of logs and up and down trees. All shots were taken from my chair beside the picnic table or 5 feet from the table for my fav shot!

This might be my most favourite photo – taken with my Canon R6MII + EF/RF Adapter + EF 180mm f3.5L Macro – I am just in love with this shot. 5 feet from our picnic table at our camp site!

The view behind our camp site, truly remarkable and exactly what we needed this weekend, in a forest, in nature. I am standing at the picnic table taking the photo with my cell phone.

and the sunshine above us, shining through the trees was just magical!

Thank you for checking out my version of “Stuck in Place” – to capture these little creatures, that’s exactly what I said to my husband that I needed to do, sit in my chair and just stay there – it worked ;) !

RDP Sunday May 24 | Protect

I find it interesting the word of today and that I saw it. Someone close to me has just received a life changing diagnosis and I have gone into heavy duty protect mode.

Protect from the lies already led, from the path that is going to be laid out and from the “professionals” that helped delay and didn’t offer any compassion or understanding.

Protect can be explained in many forms, however as a woman, as a mother, when authenticity lies next to compassion, there is absolutely zero room for wish washy, regardless of what “professional” they may be. One may say, without compassion, you are nothing.

Your Life As Art Photography by Pam

Artist & Intuitive | Pamela Zmija

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